With 11 days to go until marriage I can't help but feel a weird grumble in my gut. No, its not hunger this time....I think its a mix of anticipation and fear. What am I getting myself into?

Joel's arriving tomorrow and then it will be a whirlwind of preps and catching up.

This may be my last "silent time" until the night before the wedding. I really do intend to get an hour or two to myself the night before...because I want to write letters to my family and to Jo.

I am listening to Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgregor singing "Come What May" on my beloved "puter", who I have spent the most time with in the last 5 years or so? Loser ba? Hehe. I am not the friendly sort really, and prefer to keep to myself. I don't like adjusting to people, and sometimes it is such and effort to even smile and be civil to most people.

I never really thought I would get married. Jo and I had a really comfy relationship a few years ago, in Manila. I thought we would grow old still going out with each other. And I even had my idea of the perfect relationship. Neighbors. In an apartment complex. We would spend time together, have dinner, watch TV or go out, then go back to our respective apartments (ok, occasionally we could sleep in each others places : P )

But I left for Shanghai to work, and he went to the US as well. And we never got to spend much time together after that. There was the occasional trip to Manila for Joel (once every 2 years!) and I couldn't even visit him because I couldn't get a US Visa (fucking embassy...all I asked for was a week, which was all the time I could get off work. na deny pa ako BAH!)

At the beginning it was really hard. I kept weeping. But after a while I guess you get used to it.

We kept in touch through chatting and the weekly phone call. It used to be twice weekly but I almost had a conniption when I got my PHP 10,000.00+ phone bill. I used to worry that he would meet someone else and would dread getting a phone call saying "Ummm, I met someone......." Ack! We've had our fights pa rin, and it is really so much harder to deal with that when you're so far apart. No pat on the shoulder to show you're trying to be malambing, no hugs, just cold voices on the phone and silence until someone gives in or makes the first move.

I have fears. Fear I won't be able to adjust even if I try. Fear Jo might find me too headstrong. Fear that I am too set in my ways to make the change. Fear that I really am the selfish arrogant bitch people sometimes say I am. I want to be a really good wife and will try damn hard, pero what if I am not.

I want to be with Jo. I want to be with Jo. I want to be with Jo. Because really, it is only with Jo that I feel I belong. We used to say na when we weren't together we felt like "half"

Haay. Why am I rambling. I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions.

Thoughts from the idle mind of a "half" (soon to be not "half" na!!!)

Marriage. Leap of Faith talaga.

The song playing now is "Return to Me" by October Project. That must be a sign.

This entry was posted on 2/08/2005 at 2/08/2005 06:19:00 am. You can skip to the end and leave a response.