I've never been fond of the more popular love songs. I feel they don't tell the whole story about love (ok, to be fair - they don't express my feelings about love).

I had never really had the idea of love as a sweet, happy emotion. I picture it as powerful, tummy-aching, I-cant-breathe-without-him, painful, dangerous.

Being the pragmatic (read: paranoid) person I am, I can't help but worry about the costs of caring about someone so much. I sometimes wonder if it were better not to be so attached to anyone so that if things get fucked up I could walk away generally unscathed.

When we broke up years ago I literally felt like half of myself and was amazed that I could even go to school and (pretend to) function. Talk about Walking Wounded heeh. We got back together after a couple years, and although we were happy to be together, it was obvious that we were skittish about investing so much emotion in each other again (I doubt if we would have survived another breakup).

Thankfully we plodded on, and although things will never seem as cut and dried as when we were first together (you know, first love and all, where everything is rosy and love conquers all :P), I feel that we have gotten to see and know each other - without the need for idealization or rose colored glasses. Of course all the years together have made us closer and more mature as well. I no longer expect nor want the perfect man. I just want Joel.

This probably wouldn't be obvious if you saw us together, as were not a very touchy / sweet couple: I love him so much it scares me. So I'm taking that leap of faith.

And the soundtrack for this post? Let the DJ play :)
You know the drill, click the title to view lyrics

Kissing the Day by Mandalay
Undenied by Portishead (Portishead)
Doubled Up by Heather Nova (Oyster)
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy by Sarah McLachlan

This entry was posted on 8/07/2004 at 8/07/2004 10:38:00 am. You can skip to the end and leave a response.